A Love Divided

My husband spent my entire pregnancy taking care of his first love.

When I was burning with fever, he was on his phone searching for her: "What to do about severe morning sickness."

On the anniversary of my mother's death, he stood outside his first love's delivery room praying: "May mother and child be safe."

That day, the one who was safe was his first love.

The one who went mad was him.

1

Lucas came home reeking of alcohol and pressed a careless kiss to my lips.

My cheeks flushed. I cradled my stomach with one hand and subtly pulled away.

He noticed. He pulled me closer with a little more force, his voice husky. "What are you hiding from?"

I bit my lip and gave him a hint. "Turn off the light first."

The only light still on in the room was the lamp on his nightstand. Next to it lay the pregnancy test I had deliberately placed there.

I was pregnant. I planned to tell him tonight.

But what caught his attention first was his suddenly ringing phone.

Normally, he'd just pick it up and hang up.

But now, his arm holding the phone paused, hovering right over my pregnancy test.

The caller ID flashed two words—Seraphina.

Seraphina was Lucas's first love.

His arms around me loosened involuntarily. "I need to take this."

The door clicked shut.

I stared blankly at the ceiling.

It wasn't that calls never came in when we were together. Lucas always answered them right in front of me.

Except when it was Seraphina.

A long time passed before the door opened again.

He came in smelling of smoke, leaning down to kiss me.

Thinking of the baby, I turned my head away. His kiss landed on the corner of my mouth.

He frowned. "You're acting strange tonight."

Then he turned to change his clothes. "A case came up. Go to sleep. Don't wait up."

Lucas ran his own law firm. He never took emergency cases.

Before leaving, he suddenly leaned close again. "Do I still smell like smoke?"

I froze.

He frowned and muttered, "I heard pregnant women can't be around smoke."

My heart skipped a beat. I thought he knew.

But he straightened up and ruffled my hair. "Why am I even telling you that? You're not pregnant."

He walked out of the bedroom without looking back.

I stared at the pregnancy test on the nightstand. If I wasn't the one who was pregnant, then who was?

Later, I finally understood. The one who was pregnant was Seraphina.

After Lucas left, I called my best friend Stevie to tell her the news.

"I have something to tell you. Don't freak out."

She cut me off. "Let me tell you three things first. *You* don't freak out."

"Seraphina got divorced."

"Seraphina came back."

"Seraphina is pregnant."

2

Those three sentences hit me like stones thrown into a still lake.

Ripples everywhere.

My mind went numb.

I was silent for about half a minute.

Then I said, "Oh."

"What were you going to tell me?"

I made up an excuse. "I'm craving dumplings."

Suddenly, I didn't want to tell anyone.

I'd had a crush on Lucas since high school. We ended up at the same university.

We kept in touch occasionally.

In our senior year, he showed up at our graduation dinner.

But he just kept drinking, his eyes red, not saying a word.

I took him home when he was dead drunk.

He was wasted, but still had a sliver of clarity. "Rosalind?"

"Lucas, it's me."

He said, "Let's give it a try."

Back then, I thought my years of secret love had finally blossomed.

I only found out later what day it was.

…

Lucas told me not to wait up. I didn't wait for him to come home all night. Instead, I waited for a WeChat friend request.

From Seraphina.

I accepted it.

But she didn't say anything.

She just posted a moment on her timeline. A full-length mirror selfie.

【Thanks for helping me set up my new place tonight. From now on, a new beginning, a new you and me.】

In the photo, her hand rested on her belly, which was slightly swollen.

But more glaring than that was the reflection in the mirror: half of a man's arm, wearing a watch I had given Lucas as our first wedding anniversary gift.

I checked the time.

It was 12:43 AM. Lucas was helping his first love set up her new home.

At the very moment I was ready to tell him we were expecting a new life.

He had rushed off to Seraphina in the middle of the night.

How ridiculous.

When I first graduated, I also had trouble finding a place and moving.

We had just started dating back then. I didn't want to bother him, so I handled the whole move myself.

I was broke, so I rented a single room in a shantytown.

One night, a drunk kept banging on my door. I was terrified. I called Lucas. The moment I heard his voice, all the tension I'd been holding in burst out, and I sobbed uncontrollably.

He called the police and came over himself.

The next day, I found out he had been on a business trip in another city. He had driven two hours straight through the night to get back.

I was worried about his work, but he was angry at me for renting such an unsafe place.

Then he helped me find a new apartment in a safer neighborhood and even paid for a year's rent upfront.

I was flustered. Red-eyed, I whispered, "Thank you. I'll pay you back."

He let out an exasperated laugh and pulled me into his arms. "Rosalind, I'm your damn boyfriend."

I thought that was a privilege reserved for girlfriends.

And now.

Seraphina probably wanted to show me on purpose.

I played along. I liked the post.

3

Lucas didn't come home all night. I drifted in and out of sleep.

When I got up for work the next morning, I saw his message.

[It got too late. Didn't want to disturb you, so I didn't come back. Going straight to the office. I'll pick you up for dinner after work.]

I typed and deleted, wanting to ask if he knew about Seraphina, if he had been with her last night, wanting to tell him he was going to be a father.

But in the end, I didn't ask.

My stubborn streak kicked in.

I thought, no matter what, Lucas should be the one to tell me himself.

[Okay,] I replied.

Just before I got off work, Stevie called and asked me to go to IKEA with her.

"Lucas is picking me up for dinner," I said.

"At least he has some conscience, not running off to Seraphina."

I said nothing.

The moment I hung up, Lucas called.

"Sorry, Rosalind. I have to entertain a client tonight. I can't make dinner."

I lowered my eyes. "Okay."

I went to IKEA with Stevie.

She was buying a children's desk for her niece. I wandered around on my own.

At a corner.

"Lucas, I don't want to. This outfit looks terrible with slippers…"

I suddenly saw Seraphina. Standing in front of her was Lucas.

The Lucas who had told me he had to work with a client.

Lucas was holding a pair of slippers. Ignoring Seraphina's protests, he knelt down and took off her high heels.

"You shouldn't wear heels for too long when you're pregnant."

Seraphina pretended to resist, but she let him change her shoes, a sweet smile on her face.

"Lucas, you're going to be such a good dad."

Lucas seemed lost in thought for a moment, then a faint smile touched his lips. "Yeah."

A sharp pain pierced my heart.

I had said those exact words to Lucas.

When he decided he wanted to have a child with me, I rambled on about how to decorate the nursery.

Lucas had pinched my cheek helplessly. "If you describe it like that to a designer, nine out of ten would go crazy."

But a few days later, he showed me a design he had drawn. He had taken all my scattered, chaotic ideas and pieced them together into a children's wonderland.

My eyes welled up, my heart feeling full as cotton.

I said to him, sincerely, "Lucas, you're going to be such a good dad."

He hadn't answered then.

Now, he was the one saying he would be a good dad.

I knew I should leave. If I confronted them, I would be the one looking pathetic, not Seraphina.

But Seraphina saw me.

"Rosalind?!" Her eyes lit up as if seeing an old friend. She hurried towards me.

And in that instant, I saw Lucas reach out to steady her, telling her to slow down, afraid she might fall.

I *was* the one looking pathetic.

Seraphina insisted on holding my hand and catching up.

I was seething—at Lucas for lying to me and still being able to face me so calmly.

If only he had shown a flicker of guilt or panic.

Then I wouldn't feel so utterly insignificant.

I pulled my hand away.

I wasn't using much force. I just wanted to take my hand back.

But wearing those slippers, she swayed dramatically in that split second.

Lucas caught her.

He frowned at me. "Rosalind, Seraphina is pregnant."

Whose fault was it?

My nose stung.

I clenched my fists, my nails digging into my palms. I held back my tears with all my might.

At the very least, I couldn't look completely defeated.

I forced a smile. "It was my fault. I'm sorry."

"Is that enough, Lucas?"

4

I remembered my first job. A coworker had bullied me.

We were about to submit a bid, but two days before the deadline, we found a problem with the documents.

We had to redo them, of course. But the senior employee, to avoid blame, convinced everyone to pin it on me.

I insisted it wasn't my fault.

But no one, from the boss to my colleagues, believed me. In the end, I was the one who took the fall.

I was furious and felt wronged, but I was stubborn. I didn't shed a single tear in front of them.

When I met Lucas, he saw something was wrong and asked, "What's wrong?"

If no one had asked, maybe I could have kept it bottled up forever.

But Lucas's question broke the dam. The tears came flooding out.

Choking on sobs, I babbled about the bid documents, losing the thread of the story.

Lucas listened patiently. Finally, he wiped my tears. "Stop crying. I won't let you be wronged."

Later, news broke that the company was evading taxes. The company wasn't big to begin with, and the investigation shut the whole thing down.

When I heard, I was stunned. I realized it was Lucas and his firm's doing.

Thinking back, I couldn't hold back the tears anymore.

Not because of how humiliating this situation was.

I just couldn't understand how someone could go back on their word so easily.

He was the one who said he wouldn't let me be wronged.

And now?

I believed in sincerity. But sincerity was so fleeting.

Seeing me cry, Lucas finally looked panicked.

He let go of Seraphina's hand and reached for me. "Rosalind, I just—"

I stepped back, hiding my hands behind my back.

I was fiercely resistant.

"Don't touch me," I said.

Lucas's hand froze in mid-air.

Seraphina glanced at me, then smoothly pressed his empty hand down.

"Rosalind, I'm Lucas's client now. I hired him for my divorce. I just moved, so I needed furniture. I asked him to help."

"If you're unhappy, if it bothers you, then Lucas and I can stop shopping here."

"Lucas, I'll take a cab home. You take Rosalind home. Explain things to her properly. Don't lose your temper."

With that, Seraphina turned and walked away gracefully.

She was so clever.

The weak, the understanding one—they earn sympathy.

The one who clings and makes a scene is the unreasonable one.

At home, Lucas handed me his phone.

"Seraphina is just a client. I don't even have her on WeChat. There's really nothing between us."

I was tired.

I had no desire to look at his phone.

I didn't make a scene. I didn't lose my temper. I just ignored him.

But *he* was the one who lost his temper.

After I gave him the cold shoulder all night, he gritted his teeth and pulled me out from under the covers.

"Rosalind, how long are you going to keep this up?"

"I was afraid you'd be mad, so Seraphina left right away today. She's pregnant, and she's being considerate of you. Tell me, what do I have to do to make you happy?"

My whole body was burning, my head spinning.

But I still wanted to laugh.

Now *I* was the unreasonable one.

Seraphina was pregnant. What about me?

My pregnancy test was still on the nightstand, in plain sight.

Lucas, with his lawyer's eye for detail, usually noticed every little change in the house.

If I threw away a wilted flower, he'd notice and buy a new bunch the next day to replace them all.

Now, the pregnancy test was right under his nose, and he couldn't see it.

I could tell him. "Lucas, I'm pregnant."

And then what?

See if he'd change his mind? See if he'd give up Seraphina?

Could I pretend Seraphina's specialness didn't exist?

Now, whether I was pregnant or not didn't matter anymore.

A clear thought was forming in my mind.

5

"Lucas, I don't want to talk about this right now. I'm tired. Can I please just rest?"

But Lucas, who was so mature and steady in front of others, could be as stubborn as a child.

"Let's settle this first, then sleep."

I sighed. I took his hand and placed it on my forehead. "Lucas, I think I have a fever."

Lucas froze, then immediately got up to look for the medicine cabinet. "Why didn't you say so sooner?"

He put a cooling patch on my forehead and found some oral medication for me.

I touched my belly and lowered my eyes. "I hate bitter things. Can you find me a piece of candy?"

We didn't have any. Lucas had to go to the convenience store downstairs to buy some.

After he left, I got up and flushed the medicine down the toilet.

When he came back, I acted normal and ate the candy he bought.

Maybe it was my illness that triggered his protective instincts, or maybe my tears earlier made him feel guilty.

He was unusually gentle tonight.

He sat by the bed the whole time, keeping my water warm, checking my temperature every half hour, constantly wetting a towel to cool me down.

His actions showed he loved me.

But that didn't stop him from sitting by my bed, taking care of me, while simultaneously searching on his phone, "What to do about severe morning sickness?"

Before that, he had taken a call.

He had left the bedroom to answer it, as usual.

Only Seraphina could make him do that.

When he came back, I thought he was going to leave.

But he just felt my forehead, changed my cooling patch, and sat back down.

I turned my head, confused.

He asked me back, "What's wrong?"

I shook my head and said nothing. I closed my eyes to rest.

But my senses were incredibly sharp.

The bedroom was dim, and the light from his phone screen was harsh, shining right through my eyelids.

I couldn't help but open my eyes. I saw him searching: "What to do about severe morning sickness?"

He copied the search results into a text message and sent it, adding:

Lucas: [Pregnant women can't just take any medicine. It might affect the baby.]

[I ordered some oranges for you via flash delivery. See if they help.]

[If it's really bad, go to the hospital.]

Seraphina replied quickly.

Seraphina: [I'm scared to go to the hospital alone, Lucas. Will you come with me?]

Lucas: [Rosalind has a fever. I can't leave.]

Seraphina: [Okay. Take good care of her. I can manage on my own.]

She was a smart girl. She knew Lucas.

Lucas didn't like women who made a fuss, but he was easily guilt-tripped.

So she never clung. She always retreated to advance.

Seemingly understanding, not causing trouble, but subtly and persistently tugging at Lucas's heartstrings.

Sure enough, the conversation could have ended there. But Lucas paused, then replied anyway.

Lucas: [If you're still feeling bad tomorrow, I'll go with you to the hospital.]

Seraphina: [Get some rest too, okay? Don't wear yourself out taking care of her.]

Lucas: [Yeah.]

He put the phone down, lay down, turned over, and wrapped his arms around me, sighing in my ear.

"Rosalind, get better soon."

Did he really want me to get better?

Or so that when I was better, he could go with Seraphina to the hospital without any guilt?

I was calm inside.

It didn't matter. Either way, it was fine.

My constitution was pretty good. Even without the medicine, after a night of physical cooling, my fever broke.

Lucas was still asleep after taking care of me all night.

I got up and made a pot of fragrant congee.

A lot of it. More than enough for two.

After Lucas and I finished eating, he looked at the leftovers. "I'll pack this and take it to the office."

"Okay." I found him a thermos and put a Buzz Lightyear sticker on it.

Before leaving, he instinctively leaned in to kiss my forehead.

I flinched back. Then, realizing how abrupt that was, I reached out and straightened his tie before he could get suspicious.

He didn't say anything. He just touched my forehead. "Fever's gone. Still feel bad?"

"Much better."

Lucas left.

I took the day off to go for a prenatal checkup.

On the way to the hospital in a cab, I scrolled through my social media feed.

I saw Seraphina's update.

【Morning congee /heart】

A thermos with a Buzz Lightyear sticker.

I liked the post and left a comment.

"Good?"

"I made it."

6

As if I had a premonition.

When I got to the hospital, I suddenly didn't want to register.

But I didn't leave either. I just sat quietly in the lobby, waiting.

About half an hour later, Lucas and Seraphina walked in.

Seraphina was talking and laughing with Lucas. He was slightly bowed, his expression gentle, listening intently.

I tried to remember if Lucas had ever listened to me with that same gentle attentiveness.

The answer was yes.

I was naturally quite lively, but I didn't like talking much at work. I often bottled up a lot of things and would pour them all out to Lucas when I got home.

When that happened, Lucas would put down his work, listen to my rambling seriously, and hand me a glass of warm water at the right moment.

But it wasn't just for me.

It could be for Seraphina, too.

Lucas didn't see me. They got into the elevator.

A pregnant woman who was there for a checkup asked me for help. I thought about it, nodded, and accompanied her to the obstetrics department.

Through the bustling crowd, I saw Lucas again.

Among the couples waiting for their prenatal checkups, he and Seraphina fit right in.

In fact, because they were both so strikingly good-looking, they stood out.

"Their baby will be so beautiful," the pregnant woman next to me remarked.

I looked at Lucas and said nothing.

Lucas suddenly looked up. His gaze cut through the sea of people and landed on me.

At that moment, the noise of the hospital seemed to freeze.

His expression panicked, he strode towards me.

This is the second time, Lucas, I thought.

This time, I lifted the corners of my mouth and smiled at him.

He came over, his instinctive reaction to grab my hand. Seeing that I didn't pull away, he breathed a sigh of relief.

"Seraphina came to the firm today to provide materials for her divorce case. When she got there, she said her stomach was hurting, so I brought her to the hospital…"

"I know."

I kept a perfectly appropriate smile on my face.

Seraphina followed. She saw Lucas holding my hand, subtly averted her gaze, then looked at me.

"Rosalind, I asked Lucas to come with me. Don't blame him."

I kept smiling. "Lucas already told me."

Seraphina studied my expression. I met her gaze calmly.

She suddenly smiled. Then she said two words. "It was good."

Good, was it?

Good.

Seraphina's attack was so blatant.

Striking straight at the heart.

I clenched my fists, keeping my face calm.

Not yet, Rosalind.

Wait a little longer.

…

Lucas bought a lot of groceries home.

He rarely cooked, but today he was especially attentive.

He bought flowers, lit candles.

In the dim, romantic candlelight, he kissed my forehead and made me a promise.

"Seraphina and I are just friends. If it bothers you, once her divorce case is over, I won't contact her again."

I asked him, "Lucas, if Seraphina had come back on our wedding day, would you still have married me?"

He was silent.

And silence was an answer.

He realized he should say something.

I covered his mouth. "Remember what you said, Lucas. Those who break their promises will be punished."

7

Lucas was spending more and more time with me.

But Seraphina was still a wedge between us.

It was just that after it was all out in the open, she was no longer a nameless "client" in Lucas's words. He would just tell me directly he was going to see "Seraphina."

As if, by being open about his meetings with her, it proved their relationship was purely professional.

Above board.

Whenever he did that, I would just nod faintly. But whenever he said he was going to meet Seraphina, I would always ask him to bring something back for me.

Nothing special or urgent.

Sometimes a few apples. Sometimes a bowl of wonton soup. Sometimes a magazine.

This went on for two weeks.

Once, Lucas told me he was meeting Seraphina to discuss work.

And I, deliberately, didn't ask him to bring anything.

He left, then came back. "Don't you need anything today?"

I shook my head.

He stared at me stubbornly. "Really nothing?"

I gave a slight smile. "We're out of soy sauce. Bring a bottle back."

He looked as if he'd won a prize. He kissed my forehead and left, satisfied.

A beautiful, sweet veneer, hiding something rotten underneath.

It was two days before Lucas's birthday.

He usually celebrated twice. Once on the actual day, and once the day before.

The day before was for celebrating with his colleagues at the firm. As the boss, they would throw him a party every year.

Actually, the first year, Lucas only celebrated on his actual birthday. His colleagues celebrated with him then, and he invited me.

But I wasn't very good at socializing. I was afraid that being the only stranger there would ruin the atmosphere.

I declined.

The next day, Lucas made me celebrate his birthday with him again, just the two of us.

I asked him why.

He said, "If you're not there, it doesn't count as a birthday."

From the second year on, he had his firm celebrate a day early, keeping the actual day for me.

This year was no different.

Normally, I wouldn't go to his office party.

But this time, suddenly, I wanted to.

Because Seraphina had just posted: 【This year, and every year.】

The picture was a heart-shaped cream cake, decorated with a drawing of a boy and a girl, vaguely recognizable as them in their high school uniforms.

They had known each other since high school. It seemed she wanted to reminisce about the good old days.

I just wanted to see how she planned to make it "this year, and every year."

8

The law firm was decorated warmly.

I bought a yogurt drink on the way. When I arrived, the party was already in full swing.

I was a little late, but in a way, my timing was perfect.

Just then, Lucas and Seraphina were standing side-by-side in front of a barbecue grill.

Seraphina, with her big belly, had probably been standing for too long. Her back was hurting.

She rubbed her lower back, frowned, and complained to Lucas like a spoiled girlfriend.

Lucas said a few words to her.

She pouted and shook her head, exactly like a young girl acting coy with her boyfriend.

Lucas reached out and gently rubbed her lower back.

The yogurt drink in my hand was freezing cold. I held it tight.

"Boss's wife? Why aren't you going over?" It was Xavier, the partner at Lucas's firm.

I didn't come to the firm often, but I had been there a few times. Everyone knew me.

I smiled and said, "In a minute."

Xavier didn't understand why I needed a minute, until he turned his head and saw Lucas rubbing Seraphina's back.

"Holy shit…"

Xavier shot me a shocked look, then yelled, "Boss's wife is here!"

Lucas and Seraphina both looked over.

In an instant, Lucas snatched his hand away from Seraphina's back.

As if he had touched a red-hot iron.

He strode over to me, hurriedly.

As if desperate to prove something, he pulled me tightly into his arms. "Rosalind, there's really nothing between us."

But this is the third time, Lucas.

I swallowed the bitterness rising in my throat and pushed him away. "I brought you a yogurt drink."

Lucas let go of me, his eyes hooked onto my face, trying to read me.

I just smiled at him, the corners of my mouth lifting, my eyes crinkling.

"It's to settle your stomach before you drink. But… am I interrupting?"

Lucas shook his head. He held my hand tightly, his grip strong as if afraid I would run away.

"No, you're not interrupting. I'm glad you came."

He led me to another grill, deliberately keeping his distance. He didn't even glance at Seraphina.

It was Seraphina who came over, smiling as she greeted me. "Rosalind, you came too."

I said, "I just came to give Lucas his drink. I'll be going soon."

Lucas wanted to leave with me.

Seraphina's mask cracked. She seemed unable to believe Lucas would choose me.

The woman who prided herself on knowing when to advance and when to retreat actually tried to stop him. "Lucas, you're going to leave me here alone?"

Lucas hesitated, then said, "I'll have Xavier take you home."

…

In the following days, Lucas came home very early. He spent almost the whole day at home and did all the housework.

He also bought me a lot more bags and jewelry.

I accepted them gladly. The more I accepted, the happier he seemed to buy them.

But as the days passed and I remained calm, Lucas seemed to grow uneasy.

He kissed me urgently, restlessly. "Why aren't you angry?"

I knew exactly what he meant, but I played dumb. "About what?"

"On my birthday, when I helped Seraphina…"

"Lucas, you told me to trust you."

He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. "I don't know what's wrong with me. I just feel like… you shouldn't be like this."

"Rosalind…"

He gave up trying to find the source of his agitation. He kissed my fingers and said slowly, "I've handed Seraphina's case over to Xavier. I won't contact her anymore."

I listened in silence.

Lucas said he had cut ties with Seraphina.

But Seraphina contacted me. At the worst of my morning sickness.

9

I refused her twice, using feeling unwell as an excuse.

But I didn't expect her to come to my office.

Near the end of the day, I had just come out of the restroom when the receptionist told me a Ms. Seraphina was looking for me.

I knew it was her.

But I didn't rush out.

I had just finished dry heaving in the bathroom. My face was pale, and I looked weak. I had no presence.

I touched up my makeup.

We sat down in the café downstairs from my office building.

Her first words were, "You're very clever."

I remained impassive.

"Every time I met with Lucas, you asked him to bring you something. It was deliberate, wasn't it?"

"That way, even when he was with me, he couldn't help but think of you."

I knew Seraphina would figure it out eventually. But I wasn't afraid that she understood.

She poured me some tea. "Thank you for keeping Lucas company during this time, for helping him get through those tough days. But I'm back now. He doesn't need you anymore."

The nausea rose again. I fought it back with all my might.

Seraphina continued. "May 16th was the day I officially started dating my ex-husband. So Lucas got together with you that day to make me jealous."

The nausea turned into a sharp cramp. Cold sweat beaded on my forehead.

I gritted my teeth, refusing to show any weakness.

"December 3rd was the day I got my marriage certificate with my ex. The next day, Lucas immediately posted his marriage certificate with you. Also to make me jealous."

I had bitten my lip so hard I could taste blood.

My stomach cramped, a wave of pain that made it hard to sit upright.

"Rosalind," Seraphina said, her face full of pity. "I don't want to spell it out, but I have to tell you. Every single thing Lucas did with you was because of me."

"If I had never left, there would have been no place for you."

I couldn't take it anymore. I stood up and ran straight to the restroom.

I hadn't eaten much. I couldn't throw up.

But the nausea and cramps were draining all my strength.

Rage and fury burned inside me, making me want to tear everything around me to shreds.

Why.

Why him.

In the end, I could only slide down into a corner, curl up, and hug myself, waiting quietly for the pain to slowly pass.

When I came out of the restroom, I was back to normal.

Thank goodness for the lipstick I had shoved into my bag. It made me look at least as good as I had before.

Seraphina was all politeness. "You were gone so long. Are you okay?"

"Just a little stomach trouble. Sorry to keep you waiting."

"So," Seraphina looked at me. "Do I need to say anything more?"

A blunt dismissal.

The pain in my stomach seemed to have moved to my heart, as if someone were grabbing it, squeezing and releasing it maliciously.

My hands were gripping the edge of the table underneath.

I steadied my breathing.

I put on a smile.

"You want this position so badly?"

"If I give it to you, then… your position will be empty."

"The position of the one who can't have him, the one who pines for him."

10

Seraphina wanted it all.

She said, "If Lucas and I are together, his life will be complete. There will never be anyone else like me."

I let out a soft laugh. "Seraphina, it doesn't work that way."

Our conversation ended abruptly.

When I got home, I pulled out a storage box.

From our dating days, to our marriage, to now—the gifts I had given Lucas, the gifts he had given me, commemorating every special moment we shared, were all inside.

In an instant, all the emotions I had been holding in exploded.

I destroyed every single memento. What I couldn't break with my bare hands, I used scissors on.

Until everything was torn and broken, including the pregnancy test that had never been found.

But the rage and bitterness inside me only grew stronger.

There was no outlet. No release.

I felt sick.

The nausea hit me again. I rushed to the bathroom.

I threw up until there was nothing left but bile.

Lucas came home. He came in and patted my back worriedly. "Are you okay?"

The agitation inside me still had no release. It was like an inflating balloon.

I lunged at him, pushing him to the floor. I pressed the scissors against his throat. "Lucas, just die."

Lucas's eyes seemed to hold endless tenderness. "If it makes you feel better."

Every time, every single time, he acted like he loved me.

But also every time, every single time, he acted like he loved someone else.

My mind cleared in an instant.

Soon.

But not yet.

…

Lucas carried me to bed.

I stared blankly at the ceiling, my mind flashing through a kaleidoscope of images.

I said, "Lucas, stay with me. All the time, for a while."

I made a list of things to do. On the list were him, me, and a virtual baby.

Lucas agreed. And he did it.

Item one.

In the living room. Before bed, Lucas made me a glass of milk. After I drank it, he told me to go to sleep.

I went into the bedroom, then came back out, holding a can of infant formula and a baby bottle.

Lucas looked a little stunned.

I gave a faint smile. "Don't you want a child? You should at least know how to make a bottle."

At first, Lucas was clumsy. The water-to-formula ratio was wrong, or the temperature was too hot. He made a mess of it.

But he seemed to be getting into it, enjoying it.

When he finally got it right a few times, he was so excited he wanted to take his freshly made bottle downstairs and find a baby to feed.

I checked off the first item on the list.

Item two.

In the kitchen. I was in charge of prepping the ingredients. Lucas was the head chef.

But today, I prepared an extra, smaller portion of ingredients.

Lucas didn't understand.

I said, "When the baby is a little bigger, we can start giving them solid foods."

Lucas frantically pulled out his phone and frantically looked up baby food recipes.

Lucas could cook. After a few tries, he got the hang of it. Making baby food was no challenge for him.

In fact, he started making different variations every day, balancing fruits, rice, vegetables, and meat.

I checked off the second item.

Item three.

When Lucas was about to leave work, I called and asked him to buy some baby gates and a play mat.

I told him, "We need to clear out a space in the house. Somewhere for the baby to play."

He agreed happily.

Lately, Lucas had become obsessed with playing the role of a father.

It was like opening a blind box. He even looked forward to it every day, wondering what new "dad task" I would give him.

While he was choosing the gates and mat, he kept video-calling me. He asked the salesperson about the different materials with the same seriousness he used to analyze a case.

He took a long, long time choosing. He stayed until the mall closed and didn't get home until after 10 PM.

He was full of energy, not tired at all. He immediately started clearing a corner of the living room and setting up the gates and mat.

"The baby can play in here," Lucas said, pointing to the corner designated for the child. He hugged me from behind, his voice cheerful.

I checked off the third item.

Item four.

I asked Lucas to look into kindergartens. He looked at various price ranges and finally chose a bilingual kindergarten that cost over forty thousand a semester.

I said it was too expensive.

Lucas said, "It's fine. The baby can't lose at the starting line."

Later, he went to look at little backpacks for kids. He bought four for boys and four for girls.

"I don't know if it'll be a boy or a girl. I bought a few of each. They can switch them out."

I smiled and said okay. I put the backpacks neatly in the nursery.

I checked off the fourth item.

Item five.

Lucas went to look at elementary schools.

Item six.

Lucas went to look at middle schools.

Item seven.

Lucas and I discussed extracurricular classes. If it was a boy, he could learn Go and taekwondo. If it was a girl, piano and dance.

The next day, Lucas changed his mind. "This is just what *we* can suggest. If the child has their own interests, we have to respect that."

…

I checked off the seventh item.

Item eight.

Item nine.

Item ten.

…

Item sixteen.

This wasn't a task.

It was a question.

11

I asked him, "Lucas, if we have a daughter, what kind of man would you want her to marry?"

Lucas didn't hesitate. "She doesn't have to get married at all."

I looked at him quietly.

He surrendered. "Of course, a man who loves her completely, cherishes her, accepts her, won't let her suffer or be wronged